Hire me for your paranormal reenactment needs.

I have not graced a stage in many years, and I really only have one acting ambition left: I want to be in a paranormal reenactment.

I am a bananapants obsessed viewer of paranormal reality shows — seriously, I love them all. I love “A Haunting” and adore “Paranormal Witness” (there’s a new season starting next month on SyFy, yaassss), and even have a weird soft spot for “Celebrity Ghost Stories,” despite the fact that I don’t always know who the “celebrities” are. So it’s only natural that I would want to participate.

I have always loved reenactment shows of all kinds — “Unsolved Mysteries” converted me early on, despite focusing more on crime — but paranormal reenactments are my favorite. Where else will you see actors of all shapes and sizes, all ages? And yes, all levels of acting ability, too — if we’re going to be really honest. So that’s a mark in my favor! I’m a fat actor whose skills are markedly rusty, but that won’t stop me from performing my very best haunted histrionics. I will bring it.

I will settle for portraying an average haunted homeowner, but I really want to  play the psychic brought in by the friendly ghost investigators the homeowner found on the internet. I want to be the one who tells the hapless family, “There are demons in your basement/attic/crawlspace/wherever!” Because there inevitably are!

I would be so good at that.

This is it. This is the sum total of my remaining performance ambition.

Hashtag “life goals.”

Television gold from my subconscious.

Last night I dreamt that a new version of “Unsolved Mysteries” came out — and it allowed you and your friends and family to do the recreations at home!

Imagine the possibilities: Get your parents to reenact that bank heist, your best friend to reenact a UFO sighting, and then you can reenact the mysterious disappearance of a small town girl with so much potential and love for life. You can have reenactment parties. People could record their reenactments, and post them online to compete for prizes!

This is gold, I tell you — television gold!

And people think voting on who gets eliminated on some silly talent show is the pinnacle of participatory television. Haha, no.

I almost can’t believe this isn’t a real thing in the world.